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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ Sa 15. Dez 2018, 02:02 ] |
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Genie: You have two wishes left Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead Penie: And your final wish? Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead Penis: Ms: Nics |
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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ Mo 6. Mai 2019, 08:06 ] |
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!' ---------- A panda walks into a bar. He orders a simple meal. After finishing it, he takes out a shotgun and fires it at the roof. The bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?!" The panda, walking out, says, "I'm a panda. Look me up." Later, the bartender looks it up, and the definition says, "Eats shoots and leaves." ---------- Three men are walking along the beach when one of them stumbles over a lamp in the sand. Joking around, one of them rubs it, and they're all shocked when smoke starts pouring out and a genie appears. "Thank you", the genie says. "You have freed me from my prison, where I have been trapped for thousands of years. As a reward, I will give each of you three wishes. Choose wisely." The first man thinks for a second, and says to the genie "I wish I was married to the most beautiful woman on earth." The genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man's phone vibrates - it's a text from his new wife, and she's attached a photo - the man doesn't show it to his friends, but it's pretty clear he's pleased with what's happened. The second man takes a little longer to think, and says to the genie "I wish I was the most handsome man on the planet, so I could get any woman I wanted." Again, the genie nods, and sure enough when the man looks at himself in the lamp he can see he's now incredibly attractive. The third man sits down for a couple of minutes, then looks at the genie and says "I wish my right arm was constantly turning clockwise." The other two look at him, but the genie clicks his fingers and, as he requested, the man's arm starts spinning through the air like a windmill. The first man's had some time to think now, so he instantly turns to the genie and says "I wish I was the richest man in the world." The genie snaps his fingers, the man checks his bank balance on his phone, and there's so many zeroes after the number he has to scroll to the side. The second man again takes a moment, and says "I wish I ran the most successful businesses in the world"; the genie snaps his fingers and sure enough the man's phone starts to fill up with emails from a dozen corporate boards. The third man paces back and forth for a while, and then he finally turns to the genie and says "I wish my left arm was constantly turning counter-clockwise." Again, the other two are confused, but the genie snaps his fingers and there it is. "Final wish", the genie says. The first man doesn't blink; he turns to the genie and says "genie, I want to stay healthy for the rest of my life" The genie pauses a moment, then clicks his fingers. The second man's quick too - he says "genie, I don't want to ever get old. I wish to stay this age forever." Another click. The third man paces up and down the beach for 10 minutes, then comes back to the genie and says "yeah, OK. I've got it. I wish my head would nod back and forth forever." The genie clicks his fingers. Five years later, the three men get back together to celebrate. The first man says "that day changed my life. I'm in love with my beautiful wife, we live in a huge mansion, I never have to worry about money, and I've never even had so much as a cold." The second man nods and says "I travel from city to city on a private jet, sleeping with rock stars and supermodels, and I haven't even had to slow down." The two of them turn to the third man, sitting in the corner, his two arms still turning and his head slowly rocking back and forth. "What about you?", they ask. And he looks them dead in the eyes and says "guys, I think I fucked up." ---------- A dude walks into a bar and sits down next to another dude with a bowl of chili in front of him. After ordering a drink and chatting for 20 minutes, he speaks up to the man next to him who still has the uneaten bowl of chili. "are you gonna eat that? if not, I can take it off your hands for you." The man says "Yeah, go ahead, I don’t want it." So the dude’s like "Thanks, man" and proceeds to eat the chili. When he gets close to the bottom of the bowl, he realizes there’s a fucking dead rat in the chili. He pukes up everything, and the man who gave him the chili speaks up, "Yeah that’s as far as i got too." ---------- Warum ging das Sperma über die Straße? Weil ich heute Morgen den falschen Socken angezogen habe. |
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| Autor: | Transalpin [ Di 7. Mai 2019, 21:27 ] |
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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ Mi 9. Okt 2019, 17:04 ] |
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"The Aristocrats" ist ein Witz, an dem klassische Komiker sich gegenseitig beurteilen. Die Pointe ist immer gleich, aber die Story bis zur Pointe soll möglichst kreativ (und widerlich) variiert werden. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats Gilbert Gottfrieds Version ist legendär. Der Mann wird auch als Komiker für Komiker bezeichnet. Nachdem er einen 9/11-Witz erzählte und dieser schlecht ankam (Kurz nach 9/11) zog er sich seine zehnminütige Version von Aristocrats aus dem Arsch und rettete den Abend. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk |
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| Autor: | nir [ Sa 12. Okt 2019, 15:58 ] |
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Warum hat Hitler sich umgebracht? - Er hat die Gasrechnung bekommen. |
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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ So 15. Dez 2019, 12:59 ] |
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 Leprechaun hat geschrieben:Das nervigste ist halt dieser neue Drang, simple und funktionelle Witze zu ruinieren, indem man sie als wahnsinnig unnatürlich wirkende Fake-WhatsApp-Konvo oder dergleichen darbietet, weil die Leute Text nur noch lesen, wenn er auf nem Bild steht. Der Großteil aller simplen Witze auf Jodel leidet ja auch massiv drunter, dass die Leute dort wegen der internen Memes alles in bestimmten Formaten darstellen wollen. Klassisches Meme, halbwegs clever, mäßig lustig:  Von nem deutschen Twitter-Heini entdeckt, umgewurstet zu einer absurden Geschichte in Jodel-Qualität und angereichert mit Fake-Dialekt, sodass man sich erschießen möchte: 
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| Autor: | nisabed127 [ Mi 12. Feb 2020, 17:08 ] | |
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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ Fr 4. Sep 2020, 13:39 ] |
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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ So 9. Jan 2022, 01:44 ] |
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What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? He nuts and bolts. |
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| Autor: | Transalpin [ Do 24. Feb 2022, 20:39 ] |
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Eine Gruppe Öfen nennt man auch Herde. |
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| Autor: | sannysanny [ So 10. Apr 2022, 19:47 ] |
| Betreff des Beitrags: | Witze !! Mal wieder Lachen . |
Heißen jetzt Teigwaren ,Teigwaren weil sie vorher aus Teig waren . Wenn ein Zuckerkranker vom Blitz getroffen wird ! Entsteht dann Karamell ? Wenn ein Forscher sich ein Sandwich macht ,ist es dann Wissenschaftlich belegt . Fährt eine Blondine an die Kreuzung und streift ein Auto ! Der Fahrer schreit sie dummes Huhn haben sie überhaupt eine Fahrprüfung gemacht. Die Blondine brüllt bestimmt öfter als sie . Nachts Straßenkontrolle ! Der Fahrer hält an und dreht die Scheibe runter und sagt zum Polizisten. Ich kenn sie zwar nicht ,soll ihnen aber von ihrer Frau einen Gruß sagen. Was macht eine Blondine an der Uni? Sie ist zu besuch. Was machen 4 Blondinen in der Küche? Schokokuchen backen.Eine macht den Teig ,die 3 anderen schälen die Smarties. |
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| Autor: | ThomasK [ Di 12. Jul 2022, 21:36 ] |
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Coca Cola schickt aus Atlanta einen Vertriebsleiter in den Vatikan. Coca Cola bietet dem Papst 100 Millionen $, wenn ab sofort in allen katholischen Kirchen "Unsere tägliche Cola gib uns heute" gebetet wird. Der Papst lehnt ab. Daraufhin erhöht Coca Cola das Angebotet auf 200 Millionen $. Der Papst wendet sich an den Verkaufsleiter "Wie lange läuft unser Vertrag noch mit der Bäckerei?" ______________________________ Bundeskanzler Olaf Scholz bekommt es nach dem Attentat auf den ehemaligen japanischen Regierungschef Abe mit der Angst zu tun und fragt eine Wahrsagerin, wie er in nächster Zeit von der deutschen Bevölkerung wahrgenommen werden wird. Die Wahrsagerin: "Die Menschen werden in Kürze jubeln und feiern. Sie werden mitten durch die Stadt gefahren." Olaf Scholz: "Werde ich den Menschen zuwinken?" Die Wahrsagerin: "Nein, der Sarg bleibt zu." |
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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ Mo 21. Nov 2022, 00:15 ] |
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| Brexpiprazole hat geschrieben: Ich steh auf gut vorbereitete Puns. 
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| Autor: | Phreya [ So 4. Dez 2022, 14:32 ] |
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother. How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him. What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats. |
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| Autor: | Brexpiprazole [ Do 6. Apr 2023, 22:46 ] |
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